Gay....Marriage.....Fatherhood

Man, I’m so so perplexed at times. I look at my life and wonder sometimes how in the world did I get here? It seems like my life has changed and I’m just catching up with it. Never in a million years did I think I would be married to a Beautiful woman who loves me unconditionally and there definitely weren’t any plans to have children. Matter of fact I remember “the coming out” conversation I had with my mother and sister about me not marrying a woman and NEVER having any kids. Yes, I had a full fledge coming out conversation with my family because I wanted to be “free” and felt like they needed to know how I was planning to live my life. The thing is though after telling them that I was going to embrace my homosexual identity and come out publicly as a 1st gentleman (husband of a bishop) I realized I still wasn’t free. Matter of fact it made me realize I was totally on the other end of the spectrum. Though it contradicted my “Pride” I realized I was very hurt, angry, lost and confused. As a result, my life spiraled fast! I remember preaching on the weekends but being drunk during the week. I remember having multiple sexual partners at one time looking for acceptance, love, and fulfillment but yet broken as a shattered stained glass window. Consequently, I winded up living with a mentor and his wife and man we had some long and hard conversations about who I was and who I wanted to be. During that time it was like I was going through a major detox and as the years of toxic experiences melted away, a new me started to emerge. Long story kind of short I never had a chance as a child to choose who I wanted to be and I’d taken on the identities of my offenders. I lived and took on the identity as a victim, and I was done with that. Now, I’m not saying any of this to offend anyone but I realize this is my truth and my story and I’m telling it because someone needs to hear it. I met my now wife Jackie and we never planned on dating but she became my best friend. She was the first person on earth that I was ever 💯 with about my entire life. We wound up getting married and 5 years later we have 3 amazing children that have totally transformed my life. Marriage exposes my selfishness, pride, and lack of compassion but my children expose gifts talents and a love that I never knew I had the capacity to give or receive. Having children has taught me a few lessons:

1. True love is unconditional: I have learned that no matter what my children do, that my love for them will never change. This gave me a glimpse of how much Jesus loves us.
2. You can learn to love past your pain: My journey of fatherhood has been interesting due to the fact I never had a solid healthy father/son relationship. If I am honest it was difficult to do certain things with my children or love them the way I wanted to. I would always ask myself how can I give them something I never had or experienced? When playing with them a tear would fall down my cheek because I realized I would never be on the receiving end of this type of love by my own earthly father. 
3. Jesus will heal what is broken. This may sound like a cliché but it has been the love of God that has continued bring systems of love, hope, stability, and joy to my life.  His love gives me the grace and confidence to love past my own limitations and has empowered me not to just be a loving father to my children but to others and has pushed me to continue to be a faithful husband to my wife as well. I am who I am who I am because I finally started believing Jesus loved me.