Letter to my offender... (#Explicit)

Yo Youse A Real Bitch!

A... man at times I'm chilling and all is well in the world, but then there are other times like today where my inner fighter or inner thug rises within me and is ready to crack heads kick ass and take names and ask questions later. Today I've been asking what the hell is wrong with me and why am I so in my emotions and then it dawned on me I'm still pissed at you man. I'm hella pissed because I should have known better, but even more so you should have. Dude, I was fucking in 5th-grade bro! How in the fucking world did you find pleasure in bending over a 5th-grade little boy who was mentally, physically, and emotionally vulnerable and underdeveloped?  How did you look at yourself the next day? How in the world did you kiss your wife? How did you hug your children? How did you get up and have the balls to crack jokes and publicly preach against the very same sin that you found private pleasure in? Yes, man for such a long time I've wanted to come after you with a vengeance to make your public reputation suffer just as much as you attempted to make mine. The truth is deep down inside I hate you, I hate you for teaching me to hate myself. I hate you for imparting all of your seeds of confusion and death into my body and life for over 8 years of the most critical times of my life. You robbed me of my innocence and childhood man and filled it with darkness as you forced yourself in my life as a brother or someone who cared who really was confused about your own sexuality and your own brokenness. The truth is I want you to hurt, and I want you to pay for not what you did to me but what it did to me. I got over the act, and at some point, over the 8 years, I took some level of responsibility of being a dog that continued to go back to the vomit I was groomed, trained and convinced to believe it was the only thing I ever was good enough for or would ever deserve. I keep telling myself call the cops, get a lawyer, but then I think about your nieve and in-denial wife and innocent children who would be left to deal with the devastation of daddy's fuck-ups. Wouldn't I be doing the same thing to them that you did to me? Reporting you would take away their sense of security, hope, and begin creating a strand of brokenness that would plague them into eternity. Repeating the culture of fatherlessness and making them statistics. This is mercy. Mercy that you or I don't deserve. This is grace, something that can not be earned or obtained by works but only given through the loving heart of our heavenly father. Man you deserve to hurt, and you deserve to burn, but for now, I'll just pray, Father, help me.

Gay....Marriage.....Fatherhood

Man, I’m so so perplexed at times. I look at my life and wonder sometimes how in the world did I get here? It seems like my life has changed and I’m just catching up with it. Never in a million years did I think I would be married to a Beautiful woman who loves me unconditionally and there definitely weren’t any plans to have children. Matter of fact I remember “the coming out” conversation I had with my mother and sister about me not marrying a woman and NEVER having any kids. Yes, I had a full fledge coming out conversation with my family because I wanted to be “free” and felt like they needed to know how I was planning to live my life. The thing is though after telling them that I was going to embrace my homosexual identity and come out publicly as a 1st gentleman (husband of a bishop) I realized I still wasn’t free. Matter of fact it made me realize I was totally on the other end of the spectrum. Though it contradicted my “Pride” I realized I was very hurt, angry, lost and confused. As a result, my life spiraled fast! I remember preaching on the weekends but being drunk during the week. I remember having multiple sexual partners at one time looking for acceptance, love, and fulfillment but yet broken as a shattered stained glass window. Consequently, I winded up living with a mentor and his wife and man we had some long and hard conversations about who I was and who I wanted to be. During that time it was like I was going through a major detox and as the years of toxic experiences melted away, a new me started to emerge. Long story kind of short I never had a chance as a child to choose who I wanted to be and I’d taken on the identities of my offenders. I lived and took on the identity as a victim, and I was done with that. Now, I’m not saying any of this to offend anyone but I realize this is my truth and my story and I’m telling it because someone needs to hear it. I met my now wife Jackie and we never planned on dating but she became my best friend. She was the first person on earth that I was ever 💯 with about my entire life. We wound up getting married and 5 years later we have 3 amazing children that have totally transformed my life. Marriage exposes my selfishness, pride, and lack of compassion but my children expose gifts talents and a love that I never knew I had the capacity to give or receive. Having children has taught me a few lessons:

1. True love is unconditional: I have learned that no matter what my children do, that my love for them will never change. This gave me a glimpse of how much Jesus loves us.
2. You can learn to love past your pain: My journey of fatherhood has been interesting due to the fact I never had a solid healthy father/son relationship. If I am honest it was difficult to do certain things with my children or love them the way I wanted to. I would always ask myself how can I give them something I never had or experienced? When playing with them a tear would fall down my cheek because I realized I would never be on the receiving end of this type of love by my own earthly father. 
3. Jesus will heal what is broken. This may sound like a cliché but it has been the love of God that has continued bring systems of love, hope, stability, and joy to my life.  His love gives me the grace and confidence to love past my own limitations and has empowered me not to just be a loving father to my children but to others and has pushed me to continue to be a faithful husband to my wife as well. I am who I am who I am because I finally started believing Jesus loved me.

A few life lessons I’ve learned

Lesson 1

Don’t expect people to do for you what you are not willing to do for yourself. 

Lesson 2 

Folks come and folks go you have to learn how to be ok with seasonal relationships everyone is not going to be part of “the fam” 

Lesson 3  

You don’t have to be “the best” at everything often times it’s our own insecurities that provokes us to desire to be the brightest light in a room. There is more than enough room for everyone to shine and other people shining doesn’t take away anything from you. 

Lessons 4

When working with people it’s important to guard your heart, sometimes people do things that will hurt you not because they are wicked, but because they are human and are weak.

Lessons 5

Learning to be quiet is just as important as learning when to speak up. 

Lesson 6

Lean on no man. If you fall expect others to come observe and examine what happened but almost none will pick you up. That’s Jesus’s job. 

Lesson 7

Be yourself. Being all things to all people doesn’t mean you have to sacrifice your originality or authenticity. 

Lessons 8

Learn how to let folks go. Sometimes social media is the enemy that keeps you connected to people, places and problems that you were suppose to let go 3 and 4 seasons ago.

Lesson 9

Talk is cheap, that’s why everyone does it. Actions will cost you everything. 

Lesson 10

In order for plants to grow to their full potential they need to be planted in bigger pots. #selah

Words

Lord, I know it’s not true but then why does it hurt so bad. The negative words spit like poison have left a stain on my soul that I don’t know if I will ever be able to get rid of. It hurts I can still feel the words barreling into my pours burning going in and trying to release them out. Why can I still hear them when they are no longer being spoken. How can I still feel them biting my confidence and assurance as a royal son when they don’t physically have teeth. This hurts and my heart hurts it’s like I keep playing what she said like a scratched cd. How was it so obvious for her to reach and grab my most vulnerable places and put them on public display as if she could read the condition of my soul. In my head I kept asking was anyone going to stop this abuse? Was anyone going to help Me at this public lynching and whipping or is it my fault for not being the ideal nigga. You know, the one that is smart but not smart enough to think on his own. The one that’s articulate but not is able to stand and advocate for himself and those who he loves? How was I suppose to know the rules and conditions of my Freedom and access to education? I want to scream and curse and ask myself why did I sit there like a bump on a log and drink the poison that was being spat at me. Why didn’t I fight for myself? Why didn’t I stand up? Because I thought they would just be empty words.

Yeah I’m Dear Dad,

Yes, I am ok, as if you've ever asked😒😃😂

I want to say happy Father’s Day to the man that gave me his DNA. You have never and will never know the blessing of having me as a son. By virtue of your actions I know I’ve been blessed not to have you in my life. I’ve accepted the fact that God protected me from the toxicity of any relationship that would make me feel like I was not loved and wanted. I want to let you know today God has and is setting me free from the pain and rejection that caused me to make so many stupid decisions in my life. I just want you to know God is has taken care of me all of my life and has sent special men full of the Holy Ghost to love me and show me who I am and who I will become. God has never missed a football game, prom, graduation or my wedding. I just wanted you to know I am loved and have an amazing wife and 2 1/2 amazing children who adore me. I graduated from high school, college, and graduate school while working full time jobs to support me and my children.  I have an amazing career giving young men and women the love and validation  that you were never strong or whole enough to give me. I don’t hate you anymore I would be lying if I said I wasn’t still a little upset. For a long time I couldn’t understand why you would choose not to be in my life.  I questioned why wasn’t I good enough or smart enough to be accepted as your son? What could I do to earn your love, acceptance, affirmation and affection? Not until now have I realized you not being in my life had nothing to do with me. It was all about you. I don’t know who or what broke you but I am praying for your healing and contending for your deliverance. I pray that you would experience the depth and intensity of God’s love.

I’ve learned it’s a love I don’t have to work for

A love I don’t have to do tricks for

A love I don’t have to people please for

A love I could never earn

A love that I am still learning how to receive, but it’s a love that brings me so much life and joy. Johnnie, I love you and happy Father’s Day.

The Son You Would Be Blessed to Have,

Robert Marshall Jr.

Vengeance Is Mine...

I've been a Christian for almost all of my life, and I would like to think that I do pretty good at doing the "Christian thing" I mean I try to love my neighbor, feed the hungry, clothe the naked, and at times give to the homeless people on the street.
If I'm honest, there is one thing that I am seriously struggling with, and that is my desire to get back at people that hurt, abandoned, underestimated, and or took advantage of me.
 It doesn't bother me during the day but in the stillness this demonic thirst for revenge sits in the shadows of my soul and waits until I am fully aware of my faults, failures, struggles, and shortcomings and reminds me of every negative experience I have experienced at the hands of those who once said they cared or loved me.
Though I am incredibly grateful for my wife and amazing children and the amount of healing, joy, and fulfillment they bring to my life, I've realized that it's not enough. It's not enough to make me forget the pain of rejection, abuse, poverty, molestation, racism, prejudice, fatherlessness, dismissal, abandonment, and feeling like an orphan for the majority of my life.

If I am honest in the back of my mind and in the bottom of my heart at times, there is a small dark desire to want to get even and really cause as much pain and embarrassment that I endured. I'm not proud to admit that, but let's be real there are some people in all of our lives that have caused some pain and or turmoil that we would really like to see suffer or at least get even with. At times there is this knot in the bottom of my gut called animosity and jealousy that wants to lash out and let the world know how much that person hurt me, especially when they look like they are prospering with no regard to the effects of their decisions towards me. #PrayMyStrength.

I often ask myself what is it that causes us to want to get even? Why do we find pleasure in the downfall of others? It's not like I want to see everyone fail, just the ones that caused me problems. The funny thing about it is that as Christians we realize we can't just go after people when we are confronted with scriptures like Romans 12:2 17-19 Don’t hit back; discover beauty in everyone. If you’ve got it in you, get along with everybody. Don’t insist on getting even; that’s not for you to do. “I’ll do the judging,” says God. “I’ll take care of it.”

This is extremely difficult to do when you want to see people punished for their actions especially when you believe their actions were without consequence.  The truth is life is not fair, and we can't control what people say about us and what they plot to do to or against us, but we are in control of what we do and how we react. Jesus teaches in Ephesians to forgive as we have been forgiven. The people of the Lord are reminded that it's imperative to forgive others as we have been forgiven. We have to remember that Christ forgave us and we must be willing to offer forgiveness to those who we feel like don't deserve it. We have to realize that we should not look for our healing in their "I'm sorry," but in our own "I forgive you." It's challenging but not impossible, life becomes easier once we realize that everyone on earth is broken, and are in pursuit of some type of healing or breakthrough. Once we accept the fact that hurt people hurt people. It is our responsibility as Christians to stop the vicious cycle and learn how to accept apologies from people that we will never receive.